I wanted to talk about this because I think there is a lot of relevance to it, especially since nowadays it seems that everything has to be labeled and diagnosed. A long time ago…sounds like the beginning of a bedtime story but trust me, it is not. But seriously, a long time ago, literally meaning about 4 decades ago these types of discussions really didn’t happen. I mean I am sure somewhere there was testing but not in my family. And that is not to say my parents were against testing and diagnosis but obviously they didn’t see the need.
Need. I think this is a good place to start. What defines the need? Phone calls from the school about behaviour? Problems with siblings? Driving your parents nuts? How does testing for things like ADD start? What is ADD? Well here is my story and what I know.
When I worked at the school, testing a student conversation usually started with the teacher. The teacher would notice something or maybe everyone would notice something and from there when it became an obstacle to student success, the conversation would turn to actions to be taken to assist the students and often testing was a topic.
Usually once conversations with caregivers were had, everyone would agree that they were seeing the same things and often not good things. The child was not being successful and the goal is always for success. People, and I say people because generally if someone knows a person needs an accommodation it is not a big deal and it is made, especially when it’s helping someone succeed. But more often than not, when people are complaining, then something gets done. But in my case, this didn’t happen. In fact, I didn’t even know I was any different. I mean why would I? I felt fine. I say this with respect too. Because after I worked with students I realized they didn’t know there was anything wrong. They just woke up everyday and lived.
What would it feel like to be told there is something wrong with you and you didn’t know? How would that feel? And not as in the feelings way but what does it actually feel like? All really important questions.
So,it was one day in a grade 3 class when I was volunteering that I learned about ADD. At the time I was working as a part-time teacher’s assistant. I worked from Monday to Thursday in the classroom and as both of my children were in school only a half day on Fridays, I would come in and volunteer. I could have stayed home and cleaned my house but offering my time was more rewarding.
Well, on this particular Friday I was volunteering for Jill, a grade 3 teacher. She had a list of courses of things that had to be done to complete a unit, a theme, there was always something. Jill was always planning and looking for ways to engage her students and all these things required prep and lots of it! The class had just gone to the library so it was just Jill and I. It meant we had some uninterrupted time to be extra productive. She had given me the list of to-dos and I was off.
I took a quick look at the list and dove right into it. I was an efficient superhero parent volunteer! Game time! I hadn’t noticed as I was in the fury of my list and if you knew me, you would know in my head I was going to get it all done in that 42 minutes! But Jill was watching me with interest. It was then I heard, “so, you’re a little ADD, huh?”. I turned and looked at her with bewilderment I’m sure. “What do you mean? I am just a really good multitasker!”, I replied with confidence. I knew I could get a lot done in a short time, I had always been that way. Jill calmly proceeded to explain that ADD was Attention Deficit Disorder. She began to list the things she had just observed in about 15 minutes of my productive fury that would define me as ADD. I just stared at her. I’m pretty sure I was doing that blinky blinky eye thing. The one between stunned and disbelief. I was shocked that she would have said that but it intrigued me at the same time. I had never even considered this was a factor. Now I had to think about it, maybe even explore it a little or a lot because I didn’t know what they would mean. Funny, that one of the first things I thought is what is wrong with me? I think it’s the way our society runs. If we are not perfect and then everything else is a flaw. Like really, how many things do you know about that are not perfect but yet are perfection in their own right. Now I don’t mean to insinuate I am perfect by any means, except to my partner, he can still think that, but really think about it for just a minute. Someone offered me an opinion, and an opinion that I still believe was helpful and my mind went to what is wrong with me?
So back to our children and the students I was working with. What would this mean to them? How are we making them feel? How are these words translating in their brains? So much to consider.
Well after that simple conversation with Jill, it really had me thinking. What does this mean? The great thing for me at the time was that I did work at a school. So having conversations about ADD was common. There were learning opportunities, I could ask questions and of course Jill realized she had introduced a concept to me that was foreign so she followed up from time to time.
I soon realized that yes, I was probably ADD. To what severity I don’t know. I would like to think it is manageable but really I am no expert. I can tell you I am always thinking and not just about one thing but everything. Sounds ridiculous but it’s true. Some of the challenges with ADD are focussing and squirrel-oh yeah that might just be me! Often during a conversation I am listening to someone and all of a sudden a great idea comes to mind. The next biggest challenge is not blurting it out and waiting for a turn. Sign. Yup, that big old brain is always just thinking.
In fact, I often cause my own problems. I mean I guess we can all say that but my impulsiveness gets me into trouble from time to time. Because I always ‘need’ to be busy I take on a lot of projects at a time. You could ask my friends but I always need to be doing something. I can’t sit. I have tried those craft classes or paint night things. OMG let me out! I need to finish the project in 15 minutes or less preferably. Instead I excel at tasks like cleaning up crew or hostess at these things, something I can move and be busy. I don’t want to sit and relax, that’s painful. Often when I sit and relax, I fall asleep. Yup, sure do because I try so hard then when I stop moving I pass out. It’s really the strangest thing.
Anyway, often I have thought about what it would be like to be medicated. I had heard comments from students that they didn’t always feel better or they felt tired, different. Of course they would. The big question was: was medication the right choice? This is always something that has to be determined by the impacted party/parties. In my case I will never know as I am not going to go that route. I am so accustomed to how I feel and what I can do I have to be honest I would be scared to lose some of my efficiency is what I am going to call it. I have a list a mile long of new things to do and try and my ADD is what keeps me moving. So can I change now? I don’t think so. I would like to think I have developed my own strategies and coping mechanisms to help me be successful. But I do think about how I might feel to not have all these thoughts and ideas bouncing around in my brain and how all these things impact those around me.
Living with ADHD undiagnosed has been both a challenge and a gift. It’s shaped my identity, my approach to life, and my relationships. If there’s one takeaway from my story, it’s that learning can come unexpectedly and the smallest of things can be life changing!